The Long Goodbye
by Gina.N.B
Summary: The aftermath of Bella's 18th Birthday party, from Edward's p.o.v. Goes from the party to the walk in the woods.


**Though this is a carry-on from my fic "One Fateful Night", you don't need to have read that to get what's going on here. That story was Bella's party told from the p.o.v's of all the Cullen's, and this is all what happens _after _that night, from Edward's p.o.v. ****  
I hope you'll enjoy this (though it's a bit more depressing than One Fateful Night for obvious reasons), and all feedback is greatly appreciated.**  
**(If you think I own twilight, you deserve to be hunted down by the volturi)**

* * *

Torture. In torturing others, do we also torture ourselves? It takes a certain kind of person to inflict pain on those around them, and not be affected by it even a little. That's the type of person I refuse to be. I refuse to continue torturing those I love, just so I can reap my own selfish satisfaction. I shall leave, and take all the pain myself. I deserve it.

On the night of Bella's party I watched as each person I loved went through hell. A hell none of them deserved, but one that I brought to them all. On the drive back to her house, Bella and I had argued. She asked _me _for forgiveness. Me, the one who had dragged her selfishly into my soulless existence, and put her in the danger that had now twice come so close to claiming her fragile life. She then asked if I would spend the night with her, I agreed. It was what I wanted, but not what I wished her to want. I wanted her to be repulsed, angered and frightened by what had happened, so that she may finally push me away, and be free. In my selfishness I agreed. Having her sleep in my arms would give me time to think properly. As she spoke to her father and readied herself for sleep, I sat on her bed, batting her birthday gifts between my hands. _It would be so easy, so easy to stay. Stay and keep her. _When she came in and climbed into my lap, her scent made the muscles in my stomach clench. The pain of what I knew I must do mixed with the inner agony of not wanting to.

When she opened the gift from my parents, I let my agony win. Throwing hopes over it like water over flames, telling my self I _could _stay. _Stay with her, go to Jacksonville, then make her yours forever. _I placed my gift in her CD player and tears began to stream down her face. I looked down then, remembering the bandages that covered her arm, and the pain the wound underneath must be causing her. _Yes, stay. And see how many more injuries she will have to suffer through, how much more pain, all because you are too selfish to give her her life back. _

I fetched some medication to soothe any physical suffering, and placed her underneath the bed covers, hoping that sleep may soothe any pain her thoughts were causing. She asked me what I was thinking about. I told her truthfully; right and wrong. Was it right to stay here with her, putting her life in danger just because I was selfish enough to believe a monster like me could deserve one such as her? No, it was wrong. She must have sensed the doom in my thoughts because she changed the subject rapidly. A kiss, she wanted a kiss. My torture, not hers. My torture was being the one to have to pull away every time. My torture was knowing that I didn't want to. My torture was knowing what could happen if I didn't.

As usual, her heart raced when my lips touched hers. Then foolishly, I let the eagerness to keep her slip through. I held her closer, not wanting to admit I had to let her go. After coming to my senses I apologized and got her to sleep. She draped her injured arm across my lifelessly cold skin, no doubt trying to soothe the burning pain I'd caused her. As she slept I thought. I though all night; staring at her ceiling, never at her. Looking at that face, the face I loved, would only sway me in my decision. I had to do what was best for her. So when she woke, I kissed her forehead and leapt out of her window. My intentions set in stone.

I ran home, but walked slowly up the long driveway. There were no greetings from Alice as I climbed the porch. She had seen what was coming, and would be hurting. My family were gathered in the living room. The silence was painful. Jasper stood at the back of the room with Alice, rubbing his hands up and down her arm, no doubt trying to soothe the pain he could feel her going through. Alice's face was leaning on his chest, her eyes were hazed over and she was staring into space, whereas Jasper looked everywhere but at me. Esme and Carlisle stood close by, both looking at me desperately. Emmett and Rosalie were beside them, the anger in Rosalie's expression was palpable in her tone as she spoke,  
"Why can't Alice tell us what she's seen Edward? What was so important for her to keep from us, that you'd let her suffer like this all night?" Rosalie waved her hand in the direction of our sister, who still stood with the same blank expression. Emmett ran his fingers through Rosalie's hair, shushing her to calm her down. She took a deep breath, and crossed her arms impatiently, waiting for my reply.  
"We have to go." My words were barely a whisper, but they all heard me. Alice flinched as though my words finally dashed what little hope she had, and Jasper now rested his head on hers, turning his face from mine completely. Esme's face disappeared into her hands and Carlisle turned to comfort her. Rosalie took a deep, angry breath, waving her hands around her lips as if searching for the correct words. Emmett scratched his head, and then put his arm around his wife, dragging her to his side and kissing the top of her head. I watched as the couples before me comforted each other. Expressing to one another the love I was now refusing myself.

I listened as their thoughts calmed, and they waited for me to continue, but I had no more to say. I'd spent the night coming to this decision, and had not been able to get any further. Everyone else's emotions seemed to stun them into silence, but Rosalie's frustration left her words free to flow.  
"And where will we go Edward? We're all just going to have to pack up our lives, and start again. We'll have to find somewhere where she can't find us because Lord knows she'll try. This is just so.." I raised my hand to silence her; I'd heard the rest of her thoughts, so listening to her egotistical squabbling was not necessary. But something she had said was right. Bella would follow me, she loved me. For whatever strange reason, Bella Swan loved me. I'd have to change that. My insides churned at the though of it, but it would have to be done. It would be better for her too, if she no longer loved me, or believed I no longer loved her, she could move on easier.

My new decision shook Alice, she straightened up in Jasper's arms as she saw my future. I was in the woods, telling Bella I didn't want her. Yes, that's how it must be done.  
"No, Edward Please. You can't do that to her."  
"It's the only way Alice." Alice knew I would not change my mind, so she settled back into Jasper's chest and began to sob. Now I had seen it I felt more assured, and knew what to do.  
"I think it would be easier, if you all left as soon as possible." Alice sobbed louder, her thoughts raced with her memories of Bella, and she asked; _Can't I even see her to say goodbye? _She raised her heard for my response, and let it drop back down when I shook my mine. I could hear Rosalie's argument cumulating into words, and was thankful when Carlisle stepped in.  
"Alright, if this is what Edward wants, then we must do this for him, as a family. He has done similar for us before" his eyes fell on Emmett, who nodded in understanding. "So now, we will all go and gather our things. Edward may I speak with you upstairs?" Rosalie showed some refusal but Emmett pulled her up the stairs. Alice and Jasper followed, arm in arm, and Esme shrank into the kitchen.

I stood in silence in Carlisle's study, trying not to meet his stare,  
"Edward, have you thought this through?"  
"Yes Carlisle, after last night I can't… I won't put her in danger anymore." Carlisle let out a broken sigh, and came to place his hands on my shoulders.  
"You are my son. You are kind, gentle and wise; I know you are doing what is best for her. But I want you to think about what this will do to you Edward. How much suffering will your separation from Bella cause you?" Hearing her name gave me a taste of the suffering I would no doubt have to endure.  
"It would be harder for me to stay, knowing the danger I continue to put her in."  
"Alright Edward, I trust you. If this is your decision, we will go to Denali until we can all decide on somewhere permanent" Carlisle patted my shoulder and turned to his desk,  
"Carlisle, I am sorry."  
"You don't need to be Edward"  
"Yes. You have a life here. We all do. We must leave our home, and you your job, because of me."  
"As I said Edward, you don't need to apologize."

I left the house in silence and made my way to school. Seeing Bella caused my resolution to falter, but I had already told my family, Carlisle was going to tell the hospital, there was no going back now. To make matters worse, she still appeared to be in pain. I helped her out of her truck and her eyes squinted as I threw the door shut, sending the sound crashing through her aching head. The morning rolled on in an agonising silence. At lunch she asked me where Alice was. The internal burn that question provoked had me shredding the granola bar I held between my fingertips. It was starting, it was now becoming real.  
"She's with Jasper." I am a coward, backing out of the question with the most uninformative answer imaginable. Of course she was with Jasper, but that statement could hold true for around 99% of Alice's time. I readied myself when she asked her next question, when she asked if he was okay. I was determined to give a less cowardly answer, because I had to do this, "He's gone away for a while." Her heart rate upped, she was visibly panicked.  
"What? Where?"  
"Nowhere in particular" _COWARD! Now you're torturing her even more by not telling her what's going on! _She could only manage something close to a whisper when she asked of Alice again. "Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali." The face of my tortured sister from this morning had my stomach wrenching, and my inner self-loathing kicking up a notch. Now I was using Alice to cover my tracks, saying _she _was convincing Jasper to leave, when she herself was in agony over the thought of going away.  
At the end of the day I walked her to her car. She asked me to come over later.  
"Later?" She had to work, so I could not visit until later in the evening. I couldn't do it tonight then, I would have to wait until tomorrow. Inside I was awash with mixed emotions. A slight joy for having one more day with her, but agony in knowing that it would only prolong both of our suffering. I agreed on later and went home.

Inside, things had started to disappear under huge white cloths. All the furniture had been covered, but for those special meaningful items which had now completely vanished, moved, awaiting there next destination. I stood in the doorway looking through the emptying house, no longer my home, no longer _our _home. I was stuck in a trance; I did not notice Esme approach until she had placed her hand gently against my cheek. I stared down into her sad, golden eyes. She didn't speak, but the desperation in her face said enough. I just bent down kissing her forehead.  
"Everything will be alright." My words did nothing but bring her a strained smile, before she shrank backwards into the living room. As I watched her leave I heard Jasper coming slowly down the stairs. His thoughts were fixed on the sorrowful sight of me, standing in our once homely entrance hall. As he stood beside me, his mind ran through the years of memories of this house. The first time we had all seen it, it had been desolate and ruined, a perfect place for vampires to live, Emmett had joked. But the next time we came, Esme had graced it with her artistic and precise eye.  
"Where is everyone?"  
"Carlisle went to the hospital, to discuss and finalize his departure, but they have already said he can leave as soon as he needs to. Emmet and Rose are with the cars, you know how mechanics is a good way for her to let off some steam. And Alice is trying pack up all her clothes, though I fear there are not enough suitcases in existence." We both chuckled, but still felt the same desperate sadness overwhelming us.  
"I cannot tell her tonight." I couldn't even say Bella's name anymore.  
"I know, Alice said. You should know Edward, she still sees Bella being on of us. I'm convinced it's the only reason she hasn't defied you completely about this." I shrugged, I already knew Alice had been having the same vision, I'd seen it this morning, and had just put it down to my last remaining will to stay.  
"That was never going to happen, Jasper, and now it certainly won't." Jasper clapped his hand on my back, and let it rest on my shoulder. In his eyes and through his gift he sent me consolation for what I just said, but in his mind lay an intense doubt. He believed in his wife.

I arrived at the house by the woods early, knowing Bella would not yet be back from work. Charlie was surprised by my arrival, after informing me Bella wouldn't be too long, he invited me in. The silence was uncomfortable for him to start with, his mind raced with unease. But he settled as SportsCenter came on, and we both sat watching it, neither of us bothering to attempt at small talk. I heard Bella's truck from a mile off, the old thing made quite an entrance with its thundering engine. When Bella entered Charlie told her the cold pizza left in the kitchen was for her. He'd offered me some when I entered, but I'd politely refused; something he was completely used to by now. Bella hovered in the doorway, clearly waiting for me to follow her. As she moved into the kitchen, conversation built up between me and Charlie. My knowledge of sports was fairly respectable, but I mostly only ever really watched anything to appease Emmett. In the kitchen I could hear Bella's breathing becoming slightly laboured, like she was fighting back tears. My insides churned. Even in leaving, I was ruining everything for her, causing her pain. The sooner I get out of her life the better. A light laugh, barely audible slipped from her and she raced up the stairs, the girl still managed to leave me completely perplexed. Charlie didn't even seem to notice her, instead asking me something else about my opinion on something, I wasn't listening so I had to check his thoughts to find the answer he'd want to hear.  
"Oh yeah, definitely." Such as simple answer, but it brought a peculiar smirk to Charlie's face and he leaned back into the couch. _That kid's alright. _

The night wore on in complete discomfort. Charlie used the camera Bella had got for her birthday to take a photo of us both, one in which neither of us could quite manage to smile. After SportsCenter ended I got up to go, and Bella followed me to my car.  
"Will you stay?" Her voice was monotone, like she already anticipated my answer.  
"Not tonight" And with that, I drove away.

The next day at school was just as horrible as the last. Complete and utter silence. I had decided against telling her tonight. She had to work again, and my family were leaving. I was determined that we would spend our last night in Forks together. Only Alice and I knew that I seriously doubted I would be joining them in Denali anytime soon, it would be too hard, and I would be no good to have around in my grief. As I drove home I let my Volvo feel the full force of my pain, racing my car violently through the streets, then up the winding driveway. All the family cars were outside, each of them loaded with belongings. I sat in the car taking in the sight. I had done this. Single handedly ruined the lives of all the people I cared about. But it _would _be made right. My family would move on, find happiness together in a new home. Bella would move on. Find someone who deserved her. I alone would be left to suffer for the loss I would feel for all my existence. I alone deserved it.

We all went hunting. It was neither a comfortable nor a happy experience as it probably should have been. There were too many emotions. Rosalie was still furious. Emmett still confused. Alice still heartbroken, yet infuriatingly hopeful. Jasper still felt remorse. And my parents thoughts were centred solely on me, and how I was doing. I spent the rest of the night engaging with each of them. First me and Jasper had one of our long talks, the ones that never usually involved either saying much, him just thinking while I listened. I asked him to give my emotions a tweak so I could wrestle with Emmett. In the end the three of us ended up in the woods, throwing each other against trees, and lunging great boulders at each other, sending Emmett's into fits of his roaring laughter. I felt an uncontrollable sense of ease, and gave Jasper a grateful nod. When my brothers left me, my real emotions returned, and I dragged myself back to the house. I sat at the piano which remained in the living room, throwing back the sheet and playing for Esme and Carlisle. All I could do for Rosalie was stay away, for the benefit of both of us. Then there was Alice, for whom I could do nothing. She was still running through the future in her mind. Replaying what I was to say to Bella. Showing me how upset Esme would be when she learned I was not heading for Denali. It was the vision she continued to cling on to that was what she thought of the most. The Vampire Bella, whose image was now becoming more and more faint.

Before the first light could fill the sky of Forks, the driveway emptied; leaving just me and my solitary silver Volvo. I would miss my family, the aching inside me as their cars disappeared from sight showed that I already did, but today held a much deeper, more consuming agony. Today I was going to leave Bella.

All day at school I was in a trance. Running over what I was going to say in my head, until I had it perfect. If I was going to tell this monstrous lie right, I needed to have it carved into my memory. I asked her to meet me at her house, before racing away to start deleting myself from her life. I climbed in through the window left open to her bedroom. There I found the photo album from which I removed the pictures she had placed in there. I collected up her other two presents; the CD from myself, and the tickets from my parents. Then I knelt down and coaxed free one of the wooden floorboards, sliding the pile of memories beneath it. I did it so that even though Bella would move on, there would always be a little part of me here in her life, which would give me some peace wherever I ended up. Downstairs I wrote a note for Charlie, doing my best to imitate Bella's handwriting. I did it for my own piece of mind, and for Charlie's. So that when he came home, he wouldn't worry, and when I left, I would know he could find her should he need to. I heard Bella's truck a few streets away and ran back outside.

Bella emerged from her car and I from mine. I took a deep, useless breath; doing my best to fight off the agonising fire raging through my mind and body. Preparing to do the most preposterous thing imaginable; to tell Bella Swan I didn't want her. I took her hand, remembering this was the right thing to do, this was saving her.  
"Come for a walk with me."


End file.
